Oct 23rd

So Close, Yet So Far Away ❤️

Well, it looks like Declan decided to share something with Momma… and unfortunately, it wasn’t his snuggles. It was rhinovirus. 🤦‍♀️

The good news? I feel perfectly fine. The bad news? I have absolutely ZERO voice. And for anyone who knows me, you know that’s a problem…..

So today, instead of spending my day with my two little nuggets, I spent it isolated in my room at Ronald McDonald House.

And let me tell you, today was hard.

I’m hopeful that tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling just as good, but with a voice, and hopefully be able to get back to my boys. I miss them. So much.

I’ve called the hospital more times than I can count, and thankfully, both boys are doing well.

The nurses have been wonderful about keeping me updated. And somehow, even with only every other word coming out of my mouth, they know exactly what I’m trying to ask. At this point, I think they can read my mind. ❤️

But today gave me a lot of time to think.

I think the biggest thing I realized is that isolation is not how I want my future life to look.

For almost nine months, our lives have revolved around hospital rooms, monitors, machines, schedules, and being separated. We’ve learned to live in a world where being together isn’t always possible. Where goodnight kisses happen in hospital cribs. Where Mom and Dad go to sleep somewhere other than where their babies are.

And today, being stuck in a room without either of my boys, it all just hit a little harder.

I know there will come a day when I’ll probably beg for a few hours alone. A quiet room. A nap. Maybe even a whole day where nobody needs Mom. And I’m sure I’ll laugh thinking back to this moment.

But today? I don’t want any of that.

I just want my babies.

I want the chaos. I want the bottles, the diapers, the snuggles, the crying, and the little personalities that have completely taken over my heart. I want to wake up and have them right there. I want to be their mom without having to walk down a hospital hallway to do it.

It’s such a strange feeling to be so incredibly close to them, yet feel so far away.

They’re right down the street. Just a few minutes from me. And yet today, that distance feels enormous.

I’m also reminded how incredibly thankful I am for the little village we’ve built along this journey.

I’m thankful for Ronald McDonald House and the meals they provide, especially on days like today when leaving my room isn’t an option.

I’m thankful for another NICU mom who made sure I had snacks, drinks, and everything I needed delivered right to my door. There is something so special about the friendships formed in this world. We understand each other in ways that are hard to explain. We know what it feels like to miss our babies while they’re just down the street.

And I’m beyond thankful for our nurses.

Knowing my boys are being loved, held, comforted, and cared for when I can’t be there means more than I could ever put into words.

They aren’t just taking care of our babies. They’re taking care of this momma’s heart, too.

I’m really looking forward to this weekend when Dad comes back and we can hopefully all spend some time together.

Even if that means Declan and I are in one room while Colton and Dad are in another, at least we’ll all be somewhat together. Although I’m really hoping that won’t be necessary since it’s already been a few days. We’ll see what the doctors and infection prevention team say.

I’m holding on to hope that tomorrow is a whole new day.

A day where my voice comes back.

A day where I can walk through those hospital doors.

A day where I can kiss my little nuggets and tell them just how much I missed them.

Because as much as this hospital life has become our normal, I don’t ever want to get used to being away from my boys.

I don’t want to get comfortable with missing moments. I don’t want to get used to calling someone else to ask how my babies are doing. I don’t want to keep counting down the hours until I can see them again.

I want the ordinary days that so many people get to have without even thinking twice about them.

The days when we’re all under one roof. When nobody has to say goodbye at the end of the night. When being together doesn’t require a plan, permission, or a hospital schedule.

Nine months of this journey has taught me so much about patience, strength, gratitude, and love.

But today reminded me of something so simple.

Home isn’t just a place. It’s wherever my boys are.

And I’m so ready for the day when we’re all finally home together.

Until then, I’ll keep resting, drinking my fluids, attempting to talk, and probably calling the nurses a few too many times. 😂

Tomorrow is a new day. And I’m praying it’s a better one.

I miss you, my sweet boys. More than you’ll ever know.

So close, yet so far away. But every day, we’re one day closer to never having to say goodnight and leave again. 💙💙