Aug 23rd - Seattle

This trip was everything we needed.

When we planned Seattle, we had no idea what life would look like by the time August came around. We certainly didn’t know that I would have been living in a hospital world since January 9th.

Leaving the boys was so much harder than I expected. I cried on the way home the night before we left. I missed them before I was even gone. And that feeling never really went away.

I don’t think there are words for how much I miss them when I’m not there. It is an actual ache in my heart. My mind is constantly running, wondering what they’re doing, how they’re breathing, whether they’re awake, who is holding them, what I might be missing. And the second things get quiet, my instinct is to call and check in or pull out my phone and look at pictures.

They have become my entire world, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

But this weekend also reminded me that somewhere underneath Mom, there is still Kylie.

Being far enough away that I couldn’t just run back to the hospital forced me to let go a little bit. To walk around a new city. To laugh. To have a drink. To explore. To stay out late. To sleep somewhere other than next to a hospital. To be a wife, a best friend and a travel buddy again.

And I don’t think I realized how badly I needed that. Thanks Ryan for making us still go!

It also showed me just how wrapped up in hospital life I have become since January 9th.

For more than seven months, it has felt like my life has been standing still while the rest of the world kept moving. This weekend there were so many little moments where I realized I had to readjust to normal life again. Things that used to be completely ordinary felt strange or unfamiliar.

The world kept going while I stayed in this little hospital bubble with our boys.

And maybe that’s okay. That’s exactly where I needed to be.

But it was also okay to step outside of it for a few days.

Ryan and I needed time to remember that before all of this, we were husband and wife. Best friends. Travel buddies. Two people who love exploring new cities, going to baseball games and checking stadiums off our list.

And this weekend we got to do that again.

We laughed. We explored Seattle. We ate and drank and walked way too much. We watched baseball. We got another stadium checked off the list #18! ⚾️

And for a few days, I got to feel like Kylie again.

Not instead of being their mom.

Along with being their mom.

I think that’s something I’m still learning, that both versions of me can exist at the same time.

I can desperately miss my babies and still enjoy a sunset.

I can wonder what they’re doing while laughing with my husband.

I can be completely devoted to getting our boys home and still take a few days to remember the person I was before the NICU became our entire world.

And maybe taking care of that person makes me an even better mom when I walk back through those hospital doors.

Seattle was everything we needed.

But now?

I’m ready to get back to my boys, FIRST THING TOMORROW AM…..But first home to be with our first baby, Riley…. & enjoy Puppy snuggles.

The boys had fun while while we where away….