May 13th & 14th- hard days

The last two days will forever change my life.

If you haven’t read the last two blogs about my dad; their grandpa… please do. I don’t even know how to fully put these last couple of days into words. With everything going on with my dad, I was faced with one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make: do I go home to be with him, or do I stay here with the boys? I chose to stay with the boys, just in case something happened.

And in my wildest nightmare… something did.

It has been one of the hardest days of my life.

Right before I went to bed, I learned that Declan had some bleeding in his belly. At first, we weren’t entirely sure why, but as the evening went on, the bleeding seemed to stop. There wasn’t immediate panic. We all hoped maybe it was something small.

But by morning, things had changed.

His belly was still tight. His oxygen needs had increased. I was still going back and forth in my mind about whether I should leave to spend time with my dad. Before deciding, I wanted to check in with the boys one more time.

That phone call changed everything.

I learned that Declan might be getting rushed into emergency surgery and that I needed to get there immediately. In that moment, the decision was made for me. I needed to stay here with my boys.

I threw on clothes and walked out the door. Somehow, I made it to the hospital. Honestly, I barely remember any of it. All I remember is following someone else from the Ronald McDonald House who had a blue backpack with yellow flowers on it. I don’t remember stopping at lights. I don’t remember crossing streets. I don’t remember thinking clearly at all.

I just remember following that backpack all the way to the hospital.

Everything felt like a haze.

When I got there, the room was full. Everyone was surrounding Declan. That’s when I learned his belly had grown larger and the pressure was pushing against his lungs, making it difficult for him to fully breathe. His oxygen needs were climbing because his tiny lungs didn’t have the space they needed.

We started preparing for surgery while waiting to hear from the surgical team. They increased every antibiotic possible. They placed an art line. More IVs. More labs. More x-rays. More preparing. The day moved so quickly and yet somehow painfully slow at the same time. There are honestly so many moments I can’t fully remember because my mind was trying to survive it all.

Finally, surgery came in to evaluate him.

After long conversations between some of the brightest doctors and surgeons (conversations they kindly included me in, and our doctor sitting with me) they decided it was not the right time to operate.

I will forever be grateful for those surgeons and doctors who took the time to explain everything to me. Looking at the x-rays, they felt his organs still looked okay. He was still peeing, which was a positive sign. They believed much of what we were seeing could be severe inflammation, and opening him up right now could actually create an even bigger setback.

So together, the team made the decision to hold off on surgery and try to give the antibiotics more time to work.

Instead, they switched his oxygen support completely and fully paralyzed him so his body could rest. He is now on a ventilator, the oscillator, the same one he was on when first born. Watching your child completely still while machines breathe for him is something no parent should ever have to experience. Absolutely heartbreaking, when just yesterday we were playing.

As time has gone on, some of his numbers have improved slightly. But we are absolutely not out of the woods yet. His oxygen is still maxed out. Right now, we need him to keep fighting. We need his body to rest. We need the inflammation to go down. We need time for the antibiotics to work.

That’s all we can do right now.

Wait.

Pray.

Hope.

And somehow survive minute by minute.

Knowing that my dad, Colton, and Declan where all intubated, and there is truly nothing I can do to fix any of it, is the hardest feeling I have ever experienced in my life. I’ll never forget.

Then on top of all of that, my husband is also very sick himself and can’t physically be here. He has answered every phone call, every text, every breakdown. He has been there for me every second possible, and I’m so thankful for him. But knowing he cannot physically be beside me or around these men in my life because he’s sick too… it just adds another layer of heartbreak to all of this. (And for him too!!)

We are still watching Declan minute by minute. Every little movement. Every number. Every change.

I’m praying that by morning his swelling is less. That the inflammation goes down. That we made the right choice by not rushing into surgery.

Through all of this, I’m incredibly thankful that Colton had an okay day today. You can tell he feels everything going on around him. You can feel how connected these boys are. I truly think he sensed Mom’s anxiety today. But despite everything happening around him, he did such a fantastic job.

A family friend, Nancy, was able to quickly come down and sit with me when I needed it most. She spent a majority of the day helping with Colton, and it was such a relief knowing he was still getting the love and attention he deserves while so much focus had to go toward Mr. Declan today.

Please keep the prayers coming.

I know we ask for a lot. But we are going through a lot.

I’m not sure how much more this mama heart can take….. please bear with me as I might not be able to answer every text or call. I’m literally just trying to survive…